In the mood

It's been such a long time since I actually wrote a proper blog post. I can already feel myself losing my edge in writing and also reading. Heck, not a single book has I finished reading during this summer break.

Oh yes, I'm on a break. A pretty long break, you can say.

Life's been pretty amazing, I guess. The whole ride has been thrilling. I've been out and about and learned a lot of things since I've been away from home.

Talk about home. It's good to be back home. Even the thought of home makes me smile - and cry. The imaginary mind of mine would silently play shots of my room, the garden and I begin to ponder on what my parents would be doing right now or how is my sister coping with her studies. I'd go thinking on how far home is and how badly I miss home. How bad I miss the smell of mum's cooking.

Everyone misses home. Everyone loves their family. But when you're thousands miles away from home for almost a year, things happened to change. I mean, the whole environment starts to change. You left. For a year and you imagined that when you're back, everything would be the same but you're wrong. Time didn't freeze. Everyone moved on. Everything's changed and so do you.

I've actually been longing to start writing again. I've had a lot of things to say and I've been imagining on what to write and when. Haha. Riiight.

Summer break has been ok, I guess. I've been sitting and doing chores like how I used to but the difference now is that, it's in a different place now.

We've moved to a new house. It's bigger than the old one, that's for sure but frankly speaking, I love the old one. Maybe I am so used to living in that comfy place that I called home for the past 17 years of my life. It might be a bit smaller and I may have to share the room with my sister and bare the mess she makes everyday but I sure like the vibe the house gives. It's cozy and it's perfect. Perfect for me. I've never imagined or longing to live in huge bangalows. Once, a teacher asked the whole class what do we want to be and have in 10 years. Everyone wanted to have luxury. Everyone wants huge cars, big houses. And then the teacher called my name and asked me, " what's your target in 10 years, Anis? " . I smiled and stood in front of the whole class and showed everyone my ill-drawn drawing. There were  a white coat, stethoscope and small children around playing. This reads pediatrician. Then there was a mini cooper I drew which I think it was so cute. You see, I've always wanted a mini cooper. Always. I've made a promise in front of my parents and to myself that I will own a mini cooper before I reach 35. Big dreams for a girl, ay? And lastly, I drew a small house with a couple standing while holding a baby. The teacher asked me why did I draw that and I said this out loud " I have never thought of living in a large house with lots of cars around it. Never in my life and I dont think I'd want it. I dream for a house which is just nice for my family and comfortable for us to stay. I want my children to have a place that suits them. A place for them to grow and learn. I don't need more than that. And the couple I drew here means nothing to me. To be frank, I drew this because I saw everyone was drawing it and was telling on how they'd like to get marry and etc. I  dont see myself getting married..yet. "


Words can't describe how much I miss my old house. That was the place  that I grew and there was so many memories in that house. I actually cried because I miss it. I truly am. I remembered lying underneath the coffee table and wrote the whole alphabets in order. I remembered the time my brothers and I built a hut by putting a mat between two chairs. I remembered how I'd wake up early in the morning and waited for the bus to pick me up. I'd laugh everytime I remember how we would make a fuss and argue who would bathe first in the morning or after iftar. The whole family would gather in front of the tv and sat there until one of us got sleepy. Not to forget the friendly neighbours. I miss everything about the neighbourhood. It defenitely feels different here.


And there you go a whole post about some random thoughts of mine. I don't even think anyone reads my blog and that made me feel a bit relieved. Why? Because no one would judge me. No once would care and this lets me write whatever is stuck in this messy head of mine.

That's all, folks.

I've lost count

And why would I not weep, for I have no knowledge of my fate, and I observe my self deceiving itself, and my days are fading away, and the wings of death have flapped close by. So why wouldn’t I cry? I cry for the surrendering of my life, I cry because of the darkness of my grave, I cry because of its narrowness, I cry for the questioning of Munkar and Nakeer of me, I cry from my leaving my grave in the hereafter- exposed, humiliated, and carrying my book of deeds on my back.

-Dua Abu Hamza

Chapter 24 : Saya Pun Tak Tahu

Pernah tak anda berfikir kalau anda sakit, apa yang anda akan lakukan? 

Ok. Soalan terlalu simple. Let me rephrase it.

So here's the situation :

Anda sakit. Sakit apa? Sesak nafas. Apa yang anda lakukan? Mestilah pergi klinikkan? Lepas itu doktor mengesahkan bahawa anda menghidap penyakit mild bronchitis . Dengan ubat yang diberi, anda pun pulang dan berehat. Tiba-tiba pada keesokannya, keadaan semakin teruk. Setiap kali anda batuk, anda rebah. Rebah? Mesti anda cakap ' biar betul sampai rebah?! ' Betullah. Muka saya ni macam penipu ke? Ok, back to the story. Malam tu anda sesak nafas. Teruk sangat sangat. Hanya Allah dan rakan-rakan setingkat je yang tau. Setelah diurut, dibagi ubat, disuap makanan, kawan anda membuat keputusan untuk memberitahu pegawai di bangunan ini. Setelah diperiksa oleh kakak-kakak Tahun Empat yang kebetulan baru pulang daripada Italy, ambulance dipanggil dan anda dibawa ke hospital. 

Doktor mengesahkan anda menghidap acute bronchitis. Berapa banyak tong oksigen yang telah anda gunakan sepanjang tempoh anda berada di situ. Dahlah dengan jururawat yang hanya mahir bertutur dalam bahasa Arab dan anda pula terpaksa berseorangan pada malam pertama anda di hospital tersebut. Anda redha. 

So here's the question. Would you :

1-  Call your parents and tell them you've been admitted to the hospital or

2-  Don't tell your parents about it at all or

3-  Call them after you have recovered

Haaaa. Ingat senang ke nak jawab soalan tu?

Cuba fikir baik-baik.

1- Kalau kita call parents kita, terdapat 70 % kemungkinan akan berlaku sedemikian :

  Anak : Assalamualaikum, Mak. Ni kakak ni. 

  Mak : Waalaikumussalam. Kenapa ni?

 Anak : Tak de. Kakak kat hospital ni. 

 Mak : Hospital? Kenapa? Siapa sakit? Kakak ok ke?!

 Anak : Ok. Kakak sakit sikit je. ( Cerita pasal apa yang jadi ) Tapi sekarang ok je. Jangan risau, I'm ok.

 Mak : Mak nak booking ticket jap lagi. 

 Anak : Eh, tak payahlah! Jangan risau...

 Mak : Tak kira. Mak risau kat anak mak ni. 

 Anak : Maaaak..

Tut tut tut

So ini akan membuatkan parents anda risau. Lagi-lagi kalau anda tinggal di luar negara. 

2 - Ni lagi best. 

Kalau kita patah kaki ke apa, jangan bagitau apa apa pun kat keluarga kita. Yelah, takut depa dok risau. Tapikan cuba kita fikir balik. Kalaulah penyakit kita tu tiba-tiba bertambah teruk, lepas tu kita makin tenat tapi tak nak juga bagitau keluarga sebab tak nak menyusahkan dan membuatkan mereka risau. Habis tu kalau tiba-tiba anda meninggal dunia semasa sakit dan keluarga anda hanya dapat mengetahui mengenai keadaan anda hanya selepas anda dicabutkan nyawa, adakah ini adil untuk mereka? Takkan kita sanggup melihat ibu bapa kita menangis selepas pemergian kita? Takkan?

3 - Ok. Anda baru je pulang ke rumah. Anda telefon ibu dan ayah anda. 

 Anda : Mak, hari tu kakak masuk hospital.

 Mak : KENAPA?!!

 Anda : Sakit sikit je.

 Mak : Sampai masuk hospital?

 Anda : Ala, doktor kata bronchitis. Sebab musim sejukkan sekarang. Tak ada apa apa pun.

 Mak : Berapa hari?

 Anda : 3 hari 2 malam.

 Mak : 3 hari 2 malam?! Kenapa tak bagitau mak? Kakak jangan buat macam ni lagi tau! Risau mak. Kalau apa apa jadi macam mana?! Kakak ni!! Kenapa buat macam ni?! Tak elok tau tak buat kat mak sendiri macam ni. Don't you ever do this again! Faham tak ni?! Dengar ke tak?! Ya Allah, kakak. Nasib baik tak jadi apa apa. Ya Allah..

Jadi apa yang anda akan buat? 

Chapter 23 : New Semester. New Resolutions.

Assalamualaikum,

It has been such a wonderful break. Eventhough I cringe everytime I see my friends post statuses on how the weather is at where they are and how excited they are that it happened to be snowing or post pictures of wonderful places but I tell myself that I get to spend time with my love ones. I can go travel next break and I have a lot of time to do that in the future. But for now, all I need is to spend time at home even if it means sitting alone, watching tv and be a potato couch the whole day. I like doing that because I know that once the new semester starts, I'll never get to be this laid back.

Speaking of the upcoming semester, I've decided to make a new semester resolution. People are always making resolutions every now and then and it has been a trend to make resolutions on new years. Well, I don't. I don't make resolutions because I don't feel the need to do so. It's just that, I have the same goals every year and that these goals never changed. Maybe because I can never fully achieved all those goals I made a few years back. Maybe..

But I doubt that this second semester will be the same as the previous. Four modules in a period of five months and I don't think I'll be able to cope with my studies if I stay with my old routines. I doubt I'll ace the test if I do so.

So here's my new semester resolution ;

- I'd like to wake up earlier. Frankly, I am not a morning person. The earliest I can wake up is at 8 and for the upcoming semester ( which is in three days time ) I'll try to wake up earlier than before. The latest should be around 9 ( ? ) Haha

- I'd try to train myself to go to bed earlier. Now this is why I couldn't get myself to wake up early in the morning. I'm an owl. That's what my friends said. I would stay up all night with no help of caffeine at all and study until 3 sometimes. I'm the kind of person who studies at night and who doesn't take any naps during the evening. Everyone would be sleeping after class and I'b be in my room...trying to figure out why the hell can't I get my eyes shut.

- Obviously, lose weight. I seriously need to lose weight. I've gained a lot during winter and also my time here at home. Been eating like a girl who hasn't been eating since God knows when. I'll need to start cut my meal portions, avoid eating chips and cut down fast food intake. But how can I stop eating all this fast food when all they sell here is chicken burger and fries? -.-'

- Be more productive and healthier. I'll find ways to exercise and eat more fruits than those scrumptious snacks.

- Less surfing, more reading. I'll keep myself away from the laptop until the end of the week. I am going to delete the facebook app in my phone and tweet 5 tweets maximum per day. I WILL. I MUST!

- Stop procrastinating and spend less. Cut down on budgets, save more for summer break and avoid spending too much. And I also have to stop procrastinate and make use of my time. I mean, as a medical student, 24 hours a day is not enough. Never enough for us. Yes, maybe we can take a rest during the evening or at dawn but common, if you can study and make use of that time, wouldn't it be great? Wouldn't it be useful to use it to read novels or go through your notes?

Well, that's all for now, I think. Let's just hope I'll do all of this for the upcoming semester. I'm looking forward to it and I pray that Allah will help me along the way. The modules are not as easy as the modules we took during the first sem. Oh common, the first sem was the easiest compared to the other modules. Wait till we enter second year of med school O.O

Semoga apa yang aku belajar ini diberkati oleh Allah. Amiiin.

Chapter 22 : Change Is Good Sometimes

Assalamualaikum,

It's been a month since my last post here. Wow. Everything is moving so fast now. January had been quite a month. The lectures schedule is pretty packed last month. Class from 0800 to 1600 almost everyday and we sometimes have revision classes at night which were supposed to be a 2 hours class but turned out to be a 4 hour class. Imagine studying embryology for almost 5 hours after 10 hours of lectures and practical classes. Not complaining though. The lecturers are really helpful everytime the exam is around the corner. They would sacrifice their time for us and would talk for 5 hours straight.

I'm on a study week now. My final exam is in a week time. Everyone is studying in their room, at the living hall, burn the midnight oil or stay awake after dusk which frankly, makes me feel inferior.  Though these geniuses never failed in helping me-we help each other. They're not that kiasu here. We share notes, we share tips and we would study together.

One of the things I have learned here is that we can never study alone. Be it in medicine or in anything. There's so much to study in a limited time. 24 hours is never enough but it amazes me how my seniors here can juggle their time. They have lectures and classes everyday, cook and clean the house everyday and can even find time to feed the soul. They go to " kelas mengaji " , tafaqquh, play futsal at night, visit us, juniors ( they even cook for us sometimes ) and yet they can get excellent results. Ya Allah, they amaze me.

I want to be like them. I want to be a better person inside and outside. I want to be close to my creator-to Allah. I want to be a good doctor.

Dr. Hatta, a Visiting Consultant Obstetrician, Gynaecologist & Fertility Specialist came to give a talk last year and he truly inspires me. He's a graduate from Tanta University, Egypt which somehow makes me feel relieved because I've been wondering where are the doctors who had graduated from here? But he answered my question. He is THE answer. And he works in Sabah at Queen Elizabeth hospital. Yeay! That is so me. Hehehe. 

He asked everyone that day ;

" Do you want to be a doctor who happens to be a Muslim or a Muslim who is a doctor? Your choice. "

And that hit me. We learn about our body everyday. How the body functions. How can a single enzyme effect the whole system. When Aldolase B is inhibited which causes accumulation of fructose hence causes  fructosuria. Genetics and mutation which truly is interesting. Looking under the microscope and figuring out what it is and to find out that it's a tissue from the epididymis T_T You'd think it's gross but to tell you the truth, we laugh and at the same time are amazed to see this kind of things. How the tissues of the intestine looks like, the mode of secretion and etc. Not to forget, a chance to stay in the morgue. There was this time when my friends and I sat there for an hour with a cadaver beside us.  Lol. We even ate beside it. Hahaha.

Studying medicine has opened my eyes and make me see everything in a different perspective. It has made me closer to Allah. Plus, who else do I cry to or ask for guideness if not Him? And mum and dad are miles away and they can't be always there for me. So yeah.

I do sound different, do I? Haha. Oh well..Sometimes, people need to change. Change is good sometimes. I used to hate changes but this..this is good. I feel calm. I feel happy :) 

Chapter 21 : Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih

A new chapter.

 Happy New Year everyone <3

My resolution?
To be a better person and a better Muslim. 

To be a stronger, patient and an optimistic person.

To be able to handle feelings better.

And to keep on working hard to achieve my dream.

Amiiin.

Chapter 20 : Wrong Decision

It's been almost 4 months already. Time sure flies so fast now. I can't believe we're going to be in 2012 in a few hours. They say that time flies when you're having fun. Am I having fun? Well..maybe. Maybe not.

I have a confession to make. I am not strong. I am a cry baby. Up until now, I would silently scold myself for wanting to study overseas. I silently regret leaving home. Le familia whom I miss dearly.

Eventhough it has been 4 months but I am still trying to fit in. I love my friends here but I do miss my old ones. I'm still trying to cope with everything. Oh common. I've known my friends since we were 8. We've been close friends since in primary school.

Today is the last day of 2011. I've been reminiscing all the memories that I could possibly think of during this year. There's a lot that came through my mind and as the memories came flashing in front of me one by one, tears begin to drop.

It just hit me.

I've grown up. I can no longer be who I used to be a year ago. I can never get to go to school or have midnight snacks with Mum.

With the stress studying for Mid Term and Final Semester Exam, made me miss home even more. Yes, people. I am feeling homesick as hell right now. And so is everyone here.

I can't believe I wouldn't get to watch the fireworks with my family anymore.  This has been our almost tradition, to watch the fireworks during new year's even. I can't believe that I couldn't make it for any gatherings or celebrate my parents' birthday. I wouldn't get to watch SYTYD with Dad, accompany Mum to the office during the weekends.

I've grown up. Life goes on but what if I don't want to grow up? What if I don't want to stop those so called traditions?

I miss home. I miss my room. My messy room T__T I'm not used of having to share a room with a stranger. Well, she's no longer a starnger to me though but you get it. Wouldn't it be awkward and annoying to be talking to the wall and explaining about the Kerb's Cycle while she's in the same room with you and on the same time, studying too? We both need some privacy. I am thankful that my roommate respects my privacy and so do I and she understands me well enough now. But deep down inside, I know both of us want to have the room by our own. Plus, I am such a terrible room mate. My study table is a mess. My closet is a mess and well, every other things too -.-

I want to go home. But I know I can't. I need to toughen up. But how can I be all tough when I'm crying everytime I here the word ' family ' ? How can I be strong when all I can think of is home?

Belajar dalam negara seribu kali lebih baik. Period.